Dear Darling Friend,
Have you ever found someone brings up their painful past again and again in a conversation? It’s the broken record that creaks over and over and all the apologies in the world never seem to make it go away.
Why do people do this? And more importantly, what can be done to put the past to rest?
When a person brings up the past, there is often something they want or need in the present. It’s a here-and-now problem, not a past problem. That is why apologizing doesn’t work.
Regardless of what happened before, the person bringing up the past is feeling something similar now. They may feel hurt, unloved, insecure, ‘taken for granted’, abused, misunderstood, or distrustful right now just like they felt before.
They are communicating to you what they need right now. Most likely, what they need is for YOU TO UNDERSTAND how they feel in the present or what they need to change.
Unfortunately, many people do not communicate their needs directly. Some people may not even know what they need. Instead, many people express their needs in the form of complaints.
“I need more attention” may come out as, “You never spend time with me” which would naturally cause you to feel defensive. But defending yourself won’t work because the issue isn’t really about you.
‘There is too much work‘ may come out as “No one is helping me enough” which sounds accusational. You may explain the loads of work you too have on your plate but that won’t work because they want empathy and not solutions.
Besides listening to what is being said, do you have the ears that also listens to what is BEING FELT NOT BEING SAID? If no, then, get ready for outbursts and tantrums as a feature in every close relationship of yours.
If yes, you can help and heal. If yes, you can dissolve the pain and solve the issues. You are NEEDED big time in the world.
With love, prayers and exceptional wishes,
Change your thoughts. Change your life.